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Tenshizuru

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I'm alive.

1 min read
Yes, it's true. THEY HAVE NOT KILLED ME YET!
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Some of it is me and a lot of it is dA and the people that are on dA. It mostly started back when they changed the reporting, so third parties couldn't get theft taken down, the original artist had to be the one to report it. Even if you're, oh, I don't know, Disney, Book Covers, screenshots for shows :roll: It's not their responsibility to monitor the entire internet for people using their copyrighted... anything. I believe the change was due to the backlog of reports. So instead of hiring new people... Easy way out!

I just can't stand coming on and seeing so much theft and knowing there isn't anything I can do about it. God forbid I search for a series (book or TV) or movies and I come up with screenshots or the book cover art! I wrongly assumed this would be less in groups, that content would be monitored but nope, I see copyrighted art being submitted and allowed in time and time again.

Though I disagree how dA has handled a LOT of things, I can understand why they would give up on trying to deal with the theft. It's so disgusting rampant. I don't believe that most of them just don't know you can't post something you didn't make yourself. If they did, all you'd have to do was tell them the rules and they'd take stuff down. Instead they argue, saying "I credited them!" or "A ton of other people do it!" or just don't a shit.  Of course, it would help if you could report the theft and it would, yanno, get taken down!

I used to love getting a subscription but slowly the things I liked about it got taken away or changed to something annoying. Journal page widgets, I loved them! But instead you have all the same shit that's next to a deviation where you used to be able to put a widget. dA made clear they don't give a shit if people want back things that were taken away.

The people in the forums now, are just...ugh. A great deal of the people I liked are gone. Lots of trolls now. It all contributes to making the site unpleasant for me. It makes me sad because dA and the people meant a lot to me. I'm not on much anymore but I check back every once in a while to see if maybe it'll turn around.

I can't stand people much anymore, online or off. My doctor confirmed my suspicion of me having PTSD, so that obviously contributed a lot. Lots of anger, anxiety and insomnia. Still sick to top it off.

My endo has strung me along since July. She won't order tests, won't put me on medications I NEED to be on (she won't put me on growth hormone even though I have a well documented deficiency but she WILL prescribe it for social fucking anxiety. Are you kidding me?) I only just got the test results mailed to me from the July tests and the tests were no where near complete. She said she was putting together some other doctors to confer with but she put it off for 2 months. She said they all concurred with what I have been saying but she disagreed with, about the hormones. That was 3 months ago and she still hasn't prescribed anything. She's never there when I call and has stopped calling back.

GUESS WHAT BITCH, YOU CAN GET IN TROUBLE FOR NOT TREATING PATIENTS.

So yeah. I needed to rant and this was as good a place as any.
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WHY?! $8-9 for a paperback, $24+ for a hardcover! Yes, yes, the library is great but eventually those have to go back, plus since I know I'll read them again, I love having them. The waiting list for new books is also horridly long. Half-Price Books is also great but they aren't guaranteed to have what you're looking for, especially since it's new. Even a hardcover at half price is pricey (when you have no freaking money)

So, I've started reading the Dresden Files. Cannot believe I didn't hear about it sooner and wish I had! Love it, love it, love it. If Harry was real, I would marry him (then again, he very much reminds me of the man I love so :lol:) Just started reading book 3, had to take a lot of them back to the library since I couldn't renew them because of a waiting list. Dang. I had taken out 1-8 but got distracted by being sick :c

Subby about to run out and while I probably could drop the $7 for 3 months, I'm just not on enough to make it worthwhile. Hopefully I'll have enough to give out some subs around Christmas so I can take advantage of the deal.

Because it's running out, this will probably be the last journal for a while because I can't stand having a gray one on my front page :lol:

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Though I really did feel hopeless yesterday, I feel better today though still scared and depressed. Feel better mostly due to a meltdown, which while not abnormal for me, are far between. See, I'm one of those people who bottles up all the bad stuff. I just don't know how to deal with it, especially since I really have so little control over making my life better.

I'm on disability and need a lot of help doing things, so my mom is my PCA so she gets paid. With all my medical bullshit (and her own medical issues) it's a full time job so she can't work, it's our only source of income.

HOWEVER, the lovely state government has decreed that if a PCA is related to their charge, they get their paycheck cut 20%. That is so fucking discriminatory that I want to kill someone. And guess what? NO ONE can fight against it! We can't fight for ourselves and those who fight for us are now too busy trying to figure out, oh I dunno, if we can make rent next month. Edit: HAH, they're already reversing this! Don't know why yet, it hasn't even been in the news that it happened to begin with. Hopefully the actual reversal is VERY quick.

And I just made myself really sad again. This is why I bottle and try not to talk about it, except even if I don't talk about it, it's still there.

On to next, not depressing new journal.


I just don't know how to keep going anymore. I used to be able to bounce back, a little at least, but the more everything drags on the worse it gets worse. I shouldn't still have to be looking for a doctor to help me, I shouldn't still be fighting for them to believe me. I have FUCKING PROOF of previous illnesses and they all FUCKING IGNORE what's in front of them now! It's been going on since I was 13. I'm almost 26 and I'm so fucking tired of this. There's no fight left in me, they finally broke me.

I can't keep living like this but I can't kill myself because my mom would kill herself and I can't do that to her. Only she and one other person even matter to me but he is so far beyond my reach. Who knows if even having would help? Fucked as I am, probably not. I wouldn't ruin his life too.

I just don't know what to do anymore.


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LIAAAAAAAAAAAAAARSSSSSSS! See, this is why I avioded getting a flu shot fo years and years. I BARELY have an immune system, that's why it's BAD for me to get the flu and I GOT IT ANYWAY. I got the shot on monday and an hour after that I feel like shit, body hurts, sleepy, fever. Went to bed 6pm that day slept 21 hours. Last night slept 18. STILL FEVER, my head feels like it's gonna explode, keep getting migraines.

THE FLU SHOT IS A CONSPIRICY, DON'T GET IT.

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